Trouble in the OT
By: All the Troublemakers -- September, 2005

Ricochet wrote:

>> P.S. Reliable sources spotted KT with Sarge (not her own, mind you), a weed >>whacker, 200 bottle rockets, and a Chihuahua in her possession.

>>She had no receipt for any of the items.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jester

"Mmmm..." She was lying on her stomach in a lounge chair, enjoying the mellow warmth of a late summer sun. Sitting to one side of the lounge chair, massaging her aching muscles, was her clone.

"How's that, baby?" he asked anxiously.

"Ohh, soo gooood," she lazed back.

He smiled happily and continued on. A door leading to the kitchen burst open and another Saunders clone hurried out.

"Here's your margarita, KT! Extra tequila, just like you ordered!" He placed the frozen drink down within easy reach.

"Did you salt the rim?" she demanded, reaching for the glass.

"Oh, yes," he said, pushing it closer to her fumbling hands. "Just like you ordered."

KT looked sharply at him, then sipped her drink. Nodding her head, she put it back down.

"Did you all get--"

"--your medicine! No ma'am, I'm sorry, I took too long cleaning the bathroom. I'm giving it out now!"

Yet another Saunders clone burst through the doorway, distributing tiny little pills to the other two clones. Sticking two fingers in his mouth, he gave a sharp whistle. Several 'yos' came carrying across the beautifully landscaped lawn as other Saunders clones popped up here and there. They all came at a jog and received little white pills in return.

KT couldn't help herself, she began to purr. "Yes, yes, my boys. Time for your pills."

"Yes, ma'am!" they all barked. "Do Cile pills!"

After taking their medication, they stood awaiting their orders.

"You boys make sure the bottle rockets are placed two feet apart all around the yard. They are our only perimeter defense, I couldn't get a permit for bouncing bettys. Marie is sure to try something tonight."

One clone looked vaguely confused and KT looked at him sharply. Despite her best efforts, faint tattoos reading 'Property of Marie' were still visible on various parts of his 'body.'

Suddenly, shrill yips rent the air.

"Quick!" yelled KT. "The alarm! Hit it!"

All the clones took cover as Doc II rounded the corner, a snarling, yipping Chihuahua held at arm's length.

"I believe this belongs to you," she said, handing it to KT.

KT smiled at Doc. "What's up, Doc?" she asked innocently.

Doc sniffed as she settled herself down in a comfy chair. Snapping her fingers at the only Saunders clone who hadn't gone into hiding, she indicated that she wanted a drink. As he put down his weed whacker and hurried off, Doc turned her attention to KT.

"I've received a lot of complaints about your poaching, KT."

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," KT murmured with downcast eyes.

"Cut the crap, KT. I'm way too busy this month to sort out what clone goes where. Return them all, got it?"

KT looked up, deadly ire in her eyes.

"Well, Doc, you asked for it. I didn't want to do it, but I'm forced to unleash my secret weapon."

KT clapped her hands twice and waited. Within seconds, a slight figure darkened the doorway.

"Yes, KT?"

It was Doc I.

DII

"IIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

DII leaped to her feet, hauling a scalpel from her pocket as she went. (sure it made it uncomfortable to sit, but always be prepared was her motto. Or was that the Boy Scouts? A boy scout... hmmmm, those shorts, all those patches... yum. But we digress....)

Tearing across the lawn at high speed, the intrepid medic went for the imposter's throat, blond hair, suspiciously like Vic Morrow's lending weight to the rumor that she is in fact a long-lost relative, ruffling in the left-over wind from Katrina.

Tackling the slight actor, DII flung him to the ground with a whomp and sat on him. Waving the scalpel in his face, she snarled at him, spit flying.

"YOU... DO... NOT... EXIST... IN... THIS... UNIVERSE! DO... YOU... UNDERSTAND? NOD ONCE FOR YES AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT NODDING TWICE."

The terrified man cringed, trembling hands covering his eyes. Moments later, his perfectly combed hair moved slightly as he nodded.

DII sat back, shoving the scalpel in her pocket and wincing. "There. Now scat back to the hell from whence you came!"

Doc I scurried away, whimpering.

"Now, KT, where were we, discussing your unauthorized, um, borrowing of everyone's clones? Do you know the penalty for that?"

She sipped from her LIIT, sighing luxuriously as she settled on the chaise and put her feet up....

Jester

But a crash interrupted her. A shaking, ashen Saunders clone was standing there, staring at Doc II.

"Brat?" he whispered incredulously. "Is that you?

Without waiting for a reply he flung himself on top of Doc II, only to be hauled off by a furious KT.

"She is not her! Now stop it! Here," KT dug in her pocket and came up with a few more pills. "Take some more Do Cile pills.

Sniffling, the clone obeyed and within seconds was calm and compliant again. KT patted him on the back, hands sliding downwards.

"You know," she said, with a firm grasp. "I have a yen for some cakes. Go make some."

With a smile and a 'yes, ma'am,' the clone went into the house.

KT looked at Doc II who was brushing all traces of Saunders off herself with a grimace of distaste.

"Well, Doc," she said, in a low-pitched, deadly voice. "Do you think your clone army can match mine?"

Doc II threw back her head and laughed. "KT, KT, KT. You silly, silly girl! Don't you know I have unlimited capabilities?" She took another long draw from her LIIT as she shook her head.

Suddenly the kitchen door burst open. Standing there was a trembling, defiant Doc I.

"You -- you -- you meanie!" he shouted, pointing at Doc II. "I'm gonna get you!"

He staggered forward, eyes unfocused and glassy, gait uneven. Doc cocked her head to the side and gave him a long, hard look.

"Walton," she said ominously, "have you been dipping into the morphine again?"

Doc I snarled at her, then turned his head and bellowed into the interior of the house, "Hurry up!"

Doc II made to rise to her feet, but she sank back into her chair, feeling suddenly light-headed.

"What--" she said, looking up into KT's laughing face.

"Morphine, Doc." She giggled. "Works every time."

Doc II's mind whirled. What was she going to do? Then the kitchen door opened and a Saunders clone walked out, carrying a cake. Seeing Doc II in obvious distress, he rushed to her side. Placing his hand under her head, he attempted to rouse her. Failing, he looked up for some help. His gaze slid over KT and Doc I (this Saunders clone was from season II). Then he tipped his head to the sky and bellowed, "MEDIC!"

There was a long pause, then TOTD appeared.

KT

He rushed over and began the assessment of his one true love. (HOTL)

There was a sudden thumping from the foxhole closet, and the closest Sarge clone opened the door.

KT lay on her stomach, gagged and hog tied. She had a red spot on her forehead where she had been banging on the door. The clone that opened the door untied the gag, and began working on the knots at her hands and feet. KT took a deep breath.

"It's not me!" she hollered.

Everyone looked over to the "KT" that was inching her way to the door.

"DII, it's not me! I swear, I didn't do this!"

Stanley

"Hey, what's going on?" said a voice at the front door. Everyone turns and sees standing in the doorway one of the Caje clones.

He looks around, seeing first the fake KT that was coming towards the door, then all of the Saunders clones, followed by the tied-up KT, Doc II on the floor being looked after by TOTD, and the original Doc.

The Caje clone removed his helmet. He then rubbed his forehead, before saying, "This is the last time I eat something that Kirby cooks for dinner, 'cause I'm seeing things."

Jester

"Well thanks a lot Caje, that's the last time I cook dinner for you!" An indignant Kirby strolled around the corner, with kirbyfan62 on his arm.

Kirbyfan62

Kirby instinctively enveloped Kirbyfan62 with his arms. He could feel her shaking and vowed that he would protect her from any onslaught that might occur. She relaxed into his arms, savoring the moment and knowing that she was safe.

Jester

KT whipped her head around -- the real KT, the one in the closet was a plant. Nice try, though!

"Who're you?" she snarled.

Kirbyfan62 shrank back against Kirby's chest. Then she tried to shrink back some more, ending up wrapped around him.

"Um, I'm kirbyfan62," she stammered, although it was hard to tell if her halting speech was due to KT or Kirby.

"Oh, a Kirby fan, eh? Fine, fine, welcome to the board," KT dismissed with a wave.

Hostilities came to a temporary halt while the many squad and board members gave kirbyfan62 a warm OT welcome.

Kirbyfan62

A smile crossed Kirby's and Kirbyfan's face when they realized that they had come upon a group of friends. Albeit in a bizzaro type of world of clones and syrup.

"Thank God that we're the real thing" stated Kirby to Kirbyfan. "There ain't no one, anywhere, that could clone good old William G. There's only one."

Kirby was suddenly interrupted by one of the Lieutenant Hanleys. "Hey, Kirby, you know that seventy-two hour pass you've been pestering me about? Well, Captain Jampel just approved it."

Kirby, not one to quibble about a pass, much less who authorized it. Lieutenant Hanley or clone... Captain Jampel or clone... got out while the going was good. He and Kirbyfan wished everyone here a heartfelt good-by. Then he hugged Kirbyfan, took her hand, and led her off to a seventy-two hour holiday. Details of which he will not divulge.

Jester

Then a low moan came from the ground. Slowly HOTL opened her murky, drugged eyes -- to stare straight into TOTD's.

"How are you?" he inquired anxiously, running his hands up and down her.

"Doc?" she asked.

"It's me," he said.

"Is it true that Marie and her squad just got popped in the Providence of Rhode Island for naked unicycle riding? And that PETA is protesting her vulgar use of Hello Kitty stickers?"

Ricochet

Sitting back on his heels, Doc cocked his head and gave her a strange look. Why, that's exactly what happened to my mother back in Little Rock... he thought to himself. What were the odds?

He opened his mouth to explain when a loud whoop startled them all. Turning, they saw a demur, grandmotherly type fling herself through the door, tackling Caje around the hips. Skidding across the floor, they rolled around and around like two otters on a Slip 'N Slide.

"Quick! I gotta pick Brendon up at school at two o'clock!" the spunky lady was heard to explain breathlessly. "Name's Nana, I adore you, you're wearing too many clothes, let's boogie."

"Hey!!" KT yelled, furious. "You can kill 'em, but you can't kiss 'em!! Those are the rules!"

Ignoring the ensuing argument, Doc swiftly clamored to his feet. He reached down with a strong, warm, sensitive hand to help the lovely blonde to her feet. Gazing into her clear hazel eyes, he felt himself falling under her spell. "This place is a madhouse," he said in a soft Arkansas drawl. "How'd you like to go to IHOP with me?"

Fluttering her eyelashes, DocII coyly pulled a spatula out from behind her back. "...and I have a waffle iron, too," she purred.

Jester

TOTD felt his heart begin to pound.

"Tell me," he whispered, barely able to form the words in his excitement. "Do you have some syrup too?"

HOTL looked up into his eyes and melted -- yes, like butter on a waffle -- and moved her face up to his. When she was closer-than-close she answered. "Why, Mrs. Butterworths, of course...."

Stanley

Caje shook his head. He then said to Kirby, "Shut up, Kirby." He then said, "Hey, Sarge?"

He was answered by the clones in stereo, "Yeah, Caje?"

Caje placed his hands over his ears and yelled, "AAAHHHHH, my ears!!!!"

Kirby, who had enough sense to place a pair of earmuffs over his ears, said, "You say something, Caje? I can't hear you over the noise."

Stanley then entered. "Hey, what's going...." He stopped dead in his tracks. "Okay, I think I'll be going now. To get the sanity police, that is."

Ricochet

Suddenly Billy Nelson wandered up, his pug nose only inches from the embracing waffle lovers. "Ooo, can I go? Can I, huh? Can I get those pancakes with the face made of cherries and ReddiWhip?"

Doc jerked his head back, his normally placid gaze now annoyed. "What the hell--?" Turning toward the room, he shouted over the melee. "Who in blazes ordered a Billy clone?"

"Wul... Marie is my squad leader, but she's in the pokey," Nelson explained. At the term 'pokey,' the women began to fight again.

Only Stanley remained above the fray. As berets, blouses, and brasseries began to fly about the room, he pulled a camera phone from his pocket and clicked away, enjoying himself immensely.

Stanley

Just then a Lieutenant Hanley clone appears. He blinked. "Okay, what is going on around here?" He then adds, "Okay, knock it off, Docs. You're getting syrup all over the floor."

KT

The tied KT had managed to free herself with the help of the Sarge clone and hurried over to the stunned lieutenant.

"It's not my fault, sir." She looked into the green eyes of the tall officer and felt her knees weaken. "Dude, this only happens with Sarge, what's happening to me?"

The officer glanced around at the craziness.

Two KT's, a mess of Saunders, clones galore, and syrup. What is this war coming to?

"DII, I left you in charge. What in blue blazes is happening?"

DII stood with the help from TOTD and a close Sarge clone.

"I don't know what happened, sir. I came in to check on things and KT had the place booby trapped with bottle rockets and a snappy Chihuahua. Somebody drugged me and that was the last thing I remember."

"I have a report on my make-shift desk about a scalpel and a threat to one of my medics. What is that all about?"

DII lowered her head in shame. "I don't know what came over me, sir. When I see that man I just see red."

KT from the closet quickly broke in. "I DON'T EVEN DRINK MARGARITA'S WITH EXTRA TEQUILA!"

The foxhole went deathly silent as every head turned toward the supposed 'fake' KT.

"My drink of choice it a Corona with a lime, or the Starburst equivalent, preferably with no lint."

Jester

A snort here and there from the gathered crowd spoke of barely suppressed laughter. It was Littlejohn who finally broke. "Is there anyone else who sees a pattern here? Corona, tequila, margaritas, Chihuahuas? Puh-leez! Next she'll be asking for--"

"Here's your nachos, KT!" another Saunders clone sang out, as he skipped gaily through the doorway. "With extra jalapenos to make 'em hot and spicy, just like we like 'em! Oh, my!" he exclaimed as he stopped short. "I don't believe I made enough for everybody."

"What in the blue blazes is going down there!!!" This, directed from an upstairs window. "Can't a fellow get any sack time around here?!?!" Another Hanley clone stuck his head out the window.

A chorus of "Sorry, Lieutenant's" ensued, with Billy's voice rising above the rest.

"Sir, we were just talking about my cherry--" he stopped short, as a tousled red head appeared next to Hanley's.

"Gil, darling, c'mon!'

"Coming, Vickster," he said. "Keep it quiet down there!" He ducked back inside and shut the window.

TOTD and HOTL surveyed the chaos that was now KT's yard.

Stanley

Stanley continued to look. He shook his head again. "Man, this is starting to look like one of those Bewitched episodes where Aunt Clara's powers go haywire."

Caje and Kirby looked at Stanley.

"What's Bewitched!?" asked Caje.

"And who's Aunt Clara?" Kirby asked.

"Don't worry about it, guys.

Miss Maquis

A knock is heard on the outer door, and then it opens. Stepping into the foxhole, Miss Maquis takes a look around at the general mess. Amazed, she can only resort to fulfilling her mission, giving the commanding officer her hard won information. But who is in charge in the chaos?

"Lieutenant?" she calls.

A chorus of, "Yes?" explodes on her ears.

No, this can't be real. She thinks. How many Lieutenant Hanley's can there be? Her eyes widen as she sees all the clones. And there's syrup on the floor.

Placing a sheet of paper on an empty stool, Miss Maquis backs up to the door.

"This is crazy! I'm going back to where it's safer, Gestapo agents, cloak and dagger missions, and demolitions I understand and can deal with. But this...."

Stanley

Stanley looked at Miss Maquis. "You'll get use to it. Could be worse. Could be a Hogan's Heroes episode."

"Hogan's what?" asked Billy.

"Don't worry about it, Billy," said Stanley

to be continued... maybe